december and january piece together peace

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Even though I haven't shared much here,
I still have been keep with my Piece Together Peace intentions.

I have a terrible pattern of procrastination.
I'm not even sure why, as it applies to think I would want to do as well.
I think it is really just that: a pattern, a habit.

So for December, my intention was to procrastinate less.

Even though the night before our family celebration,
my partner and I stayed up the entire night
wrapping gifts, putting out more decorations, getting the house just so,
cooking food, sewing doll clothes and cleaning up our messes,
I made enormous progress in the procrastination department!

I made each girl a Waldorf doll baby, from scratch.
I began around December 7, leaving just 3 weeks for a complex, tedious process.
But trust me when I say that my procrastination-self would have started about 3 days before.

Really.

And the irony that I'm posting my December intention to procrastinate less
a whole two months late
is not lost on me.

I have really enjoyed the time away from the computer.

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For some reason January's intention has not been clear cut.
Maybe because privately I'm deeply ashamed, and publicly I'm a bit embarrassed.
But since I am sure there are others who will understand,
I feel comfortable enough sharing here.
January's Piece for Peace: do not threaten the children.

Yes, these children.
And I'm talking about this sort of thing:

In response to someone saying 'no' and running out of the dining room
when I ask her to take her plate to the counter:
"If you don't take your plate to the counter, you won't be having snack today."

In response to the near constant pestering of the dog:
"If you cannot leave Zelda alone, she won't be able to live with us anymore."

In response to boots, mittens and jackets thrown carelessly on the floor
for the fifth time that day:
"If you don't take care of your things, I am going to throw them away."

Yuck. Disgusting. Wrong. Sad. 

I know this is borne out of the natural frustration that can occur
when living with three very young children.
But this kind of language is truly unacceptable.
I don't even know why I say it.
I would never not feed them, send our dog away, or put their clothes in the garbage.

Some of it comes from a part of me who wants children to just comply with my requests.
Some of it comes from being frustrated at talking all day.
Do this.  Do that.  Could you please do this?  Let's put on your shoes.  
A good deal of it comes from my completely unrealistic expectation
that if I put in a penny in your Emotional Bank Account,
I should see a dollar return on my investment.
Right away.
Even if you are many dollars in the red.


I'm just going to put this post out there,
but bury it in somewhere for the moment.
It is still raw, and I just posted some wonderful family stuff.

~carrie~